Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
