I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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