thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
