I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
