i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
