He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
