I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
