I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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