Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i came on her dog
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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