im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
