do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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