Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
