oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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