I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
