i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
