just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
