dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
