It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My underwear smells like fireworks.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
