I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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