I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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