dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'