I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship