i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.