ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
