I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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