Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
