Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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