She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
so much tequila, so little girl.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
