If that was your dad, he is hot
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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