I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
