He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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