My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
