totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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