My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
