I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Randomize
