woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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