im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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