I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I wear drunk well.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
