did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
