In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize