She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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