I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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