I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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