Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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