I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
