Where is the hickey?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
