I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
