i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.