I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube