If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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