I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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