my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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