let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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