my mouth tastes like poor choices
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
