remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
