i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
