Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
