i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
