I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
