i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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