Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
